Monday, February 18, 2008

Growing Bigger Ears: Avoid Emotional Reactivity

4:16 AM , , , , , , 12 comments



















“You did WHAT? Three thousand dollars? Oh my God! Are you freaking CRAZY?!”

- - -

How would you feel if someone reacted that way to YOU?

Maybe a little defensive?
Maybe a little frustrated?
Maybe a little hesitant to open up further?

Right. Of course you would. Who wouldn’t?

This is a typical example of Emotional Reactivity, and it’s a dangerous barrier to Growing Bigger Ears.

See, certain things that people say WILL emotionally activate you. And as a result, you might felt the need to defend yourself, get huffy or even get the uncontrollable urge to yell!

Don’t.

Stay cool, stay calm and stay open.

That’s easy for YOU to say! you think. You're not the one whose 17 year-old son just crashed the car into the garage door! You're not the one whose best salesperson just lost the firm’s biggest client!

Fair enough.

But I'm not suggesting you repress your anger or hide your emotions. Instead, challenge yourself to become a better listener by responding emotionally objective, not emotionally reactive.

That means you…

STRIVE TO: pause, not jump.
STRIVE FOR: dialogue, not debate.
STRIVE TO BE: curious, not judgmental.
STRIVE TO APPEAR: observant, not accusatory.

IN SHORT: Objective, not reactive.

Because if you don’t, here are the potential dangers:

Emotional Reactivity is contagious.
Which increases conversational tension.

Emotional Reactivity is disrespectful.
Which is antithetical to the entire philosophy of Growing Bigger Ears.

Emotional Reactivity undermines trust.
Which taints the effectiveness of your listening environment.

Emotional Reactivity blocks understanding.
Which actively interferes with the listening process.

Emotional Reactivity creates defensiveness.
Which decreases the likelihood of someone opening up further.

Emotional Reactivity prevents people from saying what they want to say.
Which means it takes longer to achieve a resolution.

- - -

So, now that you understand the definitions and dangers of Emotional Reactivity, next we’re going explore six practices to help you avoid it.

1. Start with yourself. Before you can effectively listen to others, you must first listen within. Know thyself. To thine own self be true. You know, all of that stuff.

Consider these three questions to pinpoint the triggers of your Emotional Reactivity:

o Where does your emotional reactivity come from?
o What personal biases get in the way of listening effectively?
o When was the last time you listened, all the way through, to an idea that made you uncomfortable?

2. Objective, not reactive. Objectivity is in short supply. So, learn to act in response to the thoughts that fuel your Emotional Reactivity.

For example, if a comment made by an employee stirs up something fierce inside you, just STOP. Consider removing yourself from the situation doing a few exercises to increase oxygen and blood flow.

You could try focused breathing, taking a break or just getting up and walking around. All of these practices will relax your mind and body, thus reducing reactivity.

CAUTION: These relaxation techniques are most effective when carried out in private, so as to reduce the likelihood of coworkers thinking you’re really, really weird.

3. Respond; don’t react. There’s a MAJOR difference between these two words philosophies. See, reactions don’t require thought. They’re knee-jerk reflexes. Responses, on the other hand, are more thought-out. They’re mindful and reflective.

So, it’s important to first recognize that you always have a choice: to either react or respond. To resist the impulse.

Here are four solid questions to ask yourself:

o Why do I feel this way?
o What kinds of things am I reactive to?
o What would be an appropriate way to respond?
o What are the emotional triggers that generate anxiety inside me that prevent me from listening well?

4. Say what you see. Use statements of observation that are non-judgmental, non-comparison based and non-YOU-oriented. Phrases That Payses include:

o “I noticed…”
o “Tell me about…”
o “I wonder if…”
o “How do you feel about…?”
o “Here’s what I observed…”

Comments like these accomplish several goals. First of all, an objective piece of feedback doesn’t challenge someone’s character or attitude. Secondly, it opens the door to discussion. Thirdly, it fosters explanation, not accusation. And lastly, it doesn’t put the other person on the spot for an immediate answer.

5. Conduct internal dialogues. During periods of silence that precede your reactions responses, pay attention to what’s happening inside you while you listen. Consult the Spirits. The Powers That Be. The Muse. The Third Ear.

Or whatever you call it.

Ask yourself NOT, “What do I want to say?” but rather, “What wants to be said next?” and “What’s the next question that wants to be asked?”

Then, wait for your Inner Voice to respond.

- - -

As you can see, Growing Bigger Ears is about a series of CHOICES.

The choice to be objective.
The choice to pause, not jump.
The choice to respond, not react.
The choice to be objective, not reactive.
The choice to conserve your emotional energy.
The choice to replace defensiveness with understanding.

What’s more, because human beings shape their identity by the way others respond to them, your actions play a significant role in the formation of someone’s self-image.

SO REMEMBER:i Objective, not reactive.

Be known as someone who welcomes the truth no matter how disturbing or difficult it might be to hear.

Listen for what the person is trying to communicate AND what they’re actually saying.

After all, it’s awfully hard to Grow Bigger Ears when your Emotional Reactivity is louder than what the other person says.

LET ME ASK YA THIS...
How do you remain emotionally objective?

LET ME SUGGEST THIS...
For a list of 8 non-threatening, objective and inviting Phrases That Payses that demonstrate emotional objectivity, send an email to scott@hellomynameisscott.com and I'll hook you up!

* * * *
Scott Ginsberg
That Guy with the Nametag
scott@hellomynameisscott.com

Tired of your employees avoiding you?
Tune in to The Entrepreneur Channel on NametagTV.com!

Watch video lessons on getting them to come to YOU!

12 comments:

Submit this one to a parenting magazine. Perhaps if more parents grew bigger ears, kids would talk to them.

This blogger is getting this point quite wrong. When a boss expresses anger at the salesperson who just lost a big account, the boss INTENDS to create a painful experience for the salesperson, so that the salesperson will do everything in his or her power to prevent that from happening again. If the salesperson is not more careful and diligent, he or she may not have a job as a salesperson much longer. When a parent expresses anger at the 17 year old who just drove into the garage door, again that parent's intention is to make the kid feel pain, so that he will be more careful in the future. If the kid doesn't learn to be more careful, it may cost him his life next time. It is NOT the job of a boss or a parent to be a therapist or counselor, or pal, buddy or friend. Interview nearly any successful person and you will find that they were afraid of one of their parents and were afraid of their coaches, teachers and bosses who ended up really directing them to a successful life and career. It is true that reacting with anger is not always the best choice. But sometimes it is. The idea of a constantly sensitive, approachable boss, coach, or parent is really something new in human civilization. Some say it came into being with the parenting ideas of Dr. Benjamin Spock in about the 1950s. One can also see Dr. Spock's ideas displayed in the "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood" TV program. But Dr. Spock's ideas are now rejected by the best experts. Children and adults are not entirely rational, benevolent creatures. A calm, reasonable dialogue is not always the best approach, or even possible. Sometimes those in command must invoke fear. Napoleon reportedly said that if you have a choice as to whether to have your subordinates love you or fear you, it is better to have them fear you. In "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood," there is no pain, no competition, no failure, no danger, no hatred, no anger, no recklessness, no greed, no lust, no laziness, no lying. But do any of us live in that neighborhood? Is that the way the world is? Yes, we are all called and obligated to be moral and ethical. Without the scrupulous practice of morals and ethics we cannot be at peace with ourselves and with our neighbors and with our God. But we do not have to be constantly in the approachable therapist mode, and it usually is not possible, productive or functional to be so. Friendship is a wonderful thing. We all need close friends who are always approachable, always patient, and will always listen objectively. Therapy with a psychotherapist also may be a good thing . (At least it looked pretty good when Robin Williams was the therapist for Matt Damon in "Good Will Hunting.") But our bosses and our parents are not meant to be our friends and our therapists. There are today many experts to teach and preach all this, who believe that the Therapeutic Culture is not a good thing. I not just making all this up! I just thought of another demonstration of all this. In Adam Sandler's movie titled "Mr. Deeds," the hero Mr. Deeds lives in a small American town that is basically the same as Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Everyone there is constantly sweet, calm, kind, and gentle. Then he ends up in New York City, which is shown to full of people who are lying, greedy and sleazy. Of course, the innocent small towner Mr. Deeds ultimately triumphs over the sleazy big city types, with the help of the sleazy big city woman who ends up falling in love with him and giving up he sleazy life. It's a great movie! But do innocence and naive types really triumph over the tough hombres who run the world? Did Mr. Rogers drive the Nazis out of Poland? Did Mr. Deeds convince the Enron crooks to stop their crooked bookkeeping? When the N. Y. Giants defeated the New England Patriots in the Superbowl this year, wasn't that accomplished by men acting like they were in a war and not like they were in a therapy session? I recommend the following reading: The Politics of Life : 25 Rules for Survival in a Brutal and Manipulative World, by Craig Crawford; plus any book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger; and the Hebrew Scriptures.

Leadership is based on inspiration not domination; on cooperation, not intimidation. William Arthur Ward.

Parents and employers are supposed to be LEADERS. Leadership is not about making friends or being liked or some sort of popularity contest. Leadership is about respect. I have NEVER seen anyone gain respect by invoking fear in someone else.

The Anonymous poster above cited William Arthur Ward as an authority. Who was William Arthur Ward? Wikipedia says he was a newspaper columnist and Sunday school teacher (just like Fred Rogers). What businesses did William Arthur Ward run? None. What sports team did he coach into a championship? None. What political campaign did he lead to victory? None. In what war was he a successful general? None. Writers are able to conceive of anything, and may be able to sell attractive ideas. Writers can easily fool themselves into believing because they are able to sell their ideas, because many people like their ideas, that their ideas are therefore good. That is not necessarily so. The real test is not whether a writer can sell his ideas, but how those ideas work when put into application by the buyers. Karl Marx did nothing but write books. He was a great writer. His ideas became very popular. Marx's books convinced millions to work to create the socialist utopia that he described and predicted. But everywhere Marx's ideas were put into practice the end result was catastrophe, horror and poverty.

I'm sure William Arthur Ward is more qualified to speak than "the best experts" (whoever TomGallinipper thinks THEY are) to dispute Dr. Spock's methods.
And by the way, there is a TOTALLY different context between business and WAR!

"IF you’re not pissing off (some) people, you’re not doing your job.
Make some waves. Controversy is good. Don’t be afraid to take a side. Have the courage to stand out and stand up for what you believe."--Scott Ginsberg, Monday, February 11, 2008, on this blog.

The length of your responses, their lack of coherence, and your faulty logic of applying life and death scenarios to business and sports settings, clearly demonstrate that you have failed to grasp the essential message of the original post.
To spell it out for you, this would be to avoid emotional reactivity and to foster an environment based on mutual respect.

The key is to be aware of your anger (the physical and emotional response), and not react or act out of it.

One can be very effective as a leader by using his/her awareness and dealing with the issues that are very real. Their is a way to be ruthlessly compassionate without being disrespectful or inappropriate. Setting boundaries, holding people accountable, providing adequate training when employees or kids are merely "ignorant" and having consequences for mistakes, whether by a parent or a boss can be very effective ways to facilitate change and growth (and yes, sometimes you do have to let go of an employee or cut off a relationship).

The qualities that Scott is trying to emphasize can be easily achieved by cultivating a daily practice of mindfulness meditation. I personally have found this to be very helpful in all aspects of my life--with family and friends, as a parent, in my job (being a boss and being supervised by someone I disagree with), etc. I am now aware of my thoughts and emotions AS they arise and can make instantaneous decisions as to the best path of action knowing that I am committed to being respectful and responsible in all my relationships.

There are many sources to be found on the web and books that teach about the practice and philosophy of mindfulness meditation, including Jon Kabat-Zinn. This also helps with stress and anxiety management.

I think several people are getting the point of this article wrong. The article has nothing to do with the person expressing the anger, but rather the person receiving the anger. It's the 17-year old that just crashed into the garage or the salesperson that just lost the big client that Scott is speaking to. It's easy to retaliate when someone is yelling at you - just yell back and then the whole things escalates. What Scott is saying to is truly listen to what the angry party is upset about and in doing so, arrive at a resolution quicker and with less pain in the end. Don't return anger with anger.

Thanks for the clarification of the article's focus.

Yes, mindfulness meditation is also extremely helpful in becoming a much better listener (you are not absorbed in your thoughts/reactions/emotions)--so you can totally "be" with where someone is coming from, have compassion and then respond appropriately.

The ability to listening and responding objectively is not about taking away the option of responding like an a**hole when appropriate or standing against evil when necesary. It broadens one's options for responding when relationships matter.

The Practices mentioned are essentially the same ones I teach in my training programs for dealing with aggressive and potentially violent people (www.ChangeDynamics.net/DNVC.html).
Meeeting belligerence with belligerence works as long are the biggest dog in the yard, but if you don't have other options, such as growing bigger ears you will end with your tail between your legs or worse eventually.

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